Stress Management and Relaxation Techniques

Archive for February, 2010

Here are some general ways to know you might have crossed the line from healthy sexual interest to sexual addiction or compulsion:

1. You lie

For Parker, the sex addiction counselor, this is the No. 1 way you know you’ve crossed the line: when you make up stories to get sex.

“If you lie with women to get them to have sex with you, you’re a predator and an addict,” he says.

2. Sex consumes you

If your interest in sex runs your life, you have a problem, says Robert Weiss, a social worker and founder of the Sexual Recovery Institute. He says addicts “are always preoccupied with hitting on someone, or picking someone up, or getting home to look at porn before their spouse comes home.”

3. You’re “divorced, dead, fired or arrested”

If you continue your sexual activities even under threat of being “divorced, dead, fired or arrested,” you’re an addict, Parker says.

“They ignore the consequences,” Weiss adds. “They say, ‘I could really screw up myself here, but I’m going to continue to do it.’ ”

4. You have an intense interest in pornography

“The pornography piece of this cannot be overstated,” Parker says. “Show me a guy who’s having sex with three women in one week, and I promise you he has a relationship with pornography.”

5. You want to stop and you can’t

Sexual addiction is defined by a loss of control, Weiss says.

One of the unique aspects of farming/ranching is that husbands and wives often work closely together. Consequently, farm/ranch operations and family life are tightly interwoven. Farm/ranch decisions are more likely to affect the entire family than are job decisions of workers in other occupations. For example, a decision to buy a new tractor is likely to affect plans for purchasing a new refrigerator. Especially during the harvest when one stressful event piles up on top of another and tensions run high, working closely together can lead to high levels of stress for the entire family.

Another source of tension for some farm/ranch couples is related to changing roles. Fifty years ago our society more clearly defined the differences between activities of husbands and wives. But today, with increasing farm/ranch costs, more and more farm/ranch wives hold two or more jobs (farm/ranch partner, mother-homemaker and off-farm/ranch employee). Some men who are accustomed to more traditional sexual roles may have difficulty accepting women working off the farm/ranch or making important decisions.

So, stress between a farm/ranch couple is not unusual considering the close working relationship and societal pressures. To relieve the strain, there are several things you can do.

* Plan ahead. Set measurable goals together for your lifetime, five years from now, and a year from now. Decide how long the two of you want to stay in farming/ranching; then get busy enjoying what you have decided to do.
* Communicate realistic expectations clearly. Use “I statements” more often than “you statements.” “You’re always wanting to buy something else!” will probably not get your spouse to change. Try using an I statement instead: “I get worried and angry when I hear you wanting to buy a new . . . What I’d like is for the two of us to sit down and decide together which major purchases we can afford.” Then, especially on serious matters, listen well so that you can repeat back to your partners satisfaction what she or he says and feels.
* Be flexible in your roles and attitudes. Letting others do things you usually do and relaxing your high standards can reduce pressures.
* Negotiate. When problems arise, schedule time for the two of you to brainstorm. Weigh the costs and benefits of each solution. Arrive at a plan that enables both of you to get something you want.